Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Sione Ohai: My Fountain Of Shame

I have never been one to hate the fact that I was born this way. Never been one to wish i was something otherwise or someone else. Up until this time even if the truth about this recent realization had smacked me in the face with a chair i still would not have believed that its fallacious insinuations or its somewhat ancient behavior actually existed up till this day.

The truth is that I never believed that one day I would be one of those standing on the deadline of women scorned, never thought I would be the weak link in a seemingly strong chain. Honestly someone should have told me that this organ i possess in the darkest part of me as secret as it is, would become the death of me. Well it may have been too late for me but not for other women like me. This is really crazy, but I am going to say it anyway. I was submissive to my father's biding and every word he said to me was binding because he was a man and I must be subject to men. All my life, well the little I had lived, I learnt my place was in the kitchen, in the market, in the bedroom and back to the kitchen. I never complained about the verbal abuses I got when i made a mistake in either of these areas, I always took it as what I must accept, after all this is what i get for being born with a fountain between my pillars. I was silent up until the time my vows and price were paid for me. The reality began immediately I got into the house. There was no time for adjustment or 'getting used to' the new life. It was immediate work and i didn't have a say or a pay. The market and the kitchen, those were the easy parts even though I had money flung at me and food poured in my face whenever he felt it didn't taste as good as he wanted it to, I was always sorry because I really wanted to please him.

There was one strange part about being married however. One that I refused to talk about until I realized that I was not the only one. He would grab me by my hair which was usually covered and drag me into the bedroom, push me on the bed and begin to tear off my clothes, one time I hit my head on the wooden table next to the bed but he didn't notice. He just pulled off my panties and sodomized me with his...(okay okay I can't bring myself to talk about it in detail). But it was painful and i cried a lot. I dreaded his visits because he wasn't always in town and his return was always hellish for me. And then the changes came, I began to feel sick and my body was swelling. The doctor said I was pregnant. I guess he saw the naive look in my eyes if not he wouldn't have gone further to explain to me that pregnancy meant I was going to have a baby. I didn't see any cause for alarm, babies are small,cute and harmless. Having one would be easy... or so i thought. The doctor said i was already 7 months due but that didn't change anything i was going through in the house. In fact i worked harder than I did before at least my lord was more careful with me in the bedroom but it still felt dark and cold, I really wondered if he knew that I wasn't enjoying these ordeals or whatever they are called.

Labour was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life, the doctor said i had spent 28 hours in there. I couldn't remember most of it, all I knew was that I was laying on my back drenched in sweat and my fountain hurt like hell not to talk of all the blood. I could not understand why a baby so small would hurt me so bad until I saw the child so fresh and soft, I felt a lot better carrying him in my arms. For a while everything seemed to get better because of the arrival of my son, there was even a time my lord smiled at me.

I felt warm all over and I actually was beginning to love being in the house. At least that smile kept me going, it made me feel like there was hope for me and no matter what, one day I would really be a part of my lord's life. Just when I thought my life would get better, it came... i tried to hide it, i tried to clean up more often, i tried not to make it obvious but it just wouldn't stop. I couldn't talk about it, I felt so ashamed. Soon enough my lord noticed it, ''It stinks Walahi your not staying in my house with this!!!'' His words cut straight through my heart. ''but I carried your son'' I thought in tears. I could never brace myself up for what happened next. A new girl was brought in to take my place and i was thrown out of the house. They took my son away from me. I was too sad, too lonely, too hurt, too scared, too broken, too lost, too young. Everything was too much for me to bear.

I never considered going back home, Baba will have me severely beaten and maybe even killed. I felt like dying but not like that. I had had enough rejection and hurt from family. I finally took refuge under a bridge. The harsh environment did not hurt me as much as the thought of leaving my child behind did, he made me want to live and he brought a little hope between me and my lord but the urine just wouldn't stop flowing. I do not know why this happened to me. Perhaps I wronged Allah somehow. Now sitting here beside my lifeless body, I still cannot understand why I am here, I lay down to sleep and I woke up outside my body. I feel nothing now but I still remember everything. I would probably never understand why my life ended this way, perhaps it was my destiny all along.

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