Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Al Yhusuff: Don't Grow Up, It's A Setup

One of our readers sent this in. Lovely piece!
Really? Could growing up be a set up? Maybe, maybe not.Rhetorical question indeed.
As kids we looked forward to growing up. We? I'm no legion please. Let me re-phrase it.
As a kid I looked forward to growing up.
The picture of the future in my head seemed perfect and alluring.

Fast forward years later. I looked forward to getting into the University. A friend of mine, Johnny (not YemiAlade's boo) got in at his first attempt. and me? I didn't make it. Sad I felt.
The next year, I got an admission and I felt on top of the world. The future was closer than I imagined. The strikes and carry-overs never perturbed me.
Anyhow e be, we go graduate.
Finally, graduation came knocking with a sagged CGPA. Shebi they say make we go school, we don go na, whether na First class or V.U (visited university) we are all graduates na. Sagged CGPA or not we don go school and the future I craved for was staring at me in the face.
Hell yeah! The future is 'cum'. Some bottles of beer and rum would do no harm to 'our' livers. "Our". I and my friends after about 8 years of 'severe and acute' struggle to get a degree it was worth it.
We drank our livers out in anticipation of the bloomy future. We took a group photo with greasy smiles on our young wrinkled faces in our well-tailored "Jackos".
In years to come, that picture would be tagged 'Papa and Friends'.
We parted ways that night. I was glad that I had 'cum', 'sin' and conquered. The NYSC program was indeed great. I thought sorry typos. I taught well in the Sec. Sch. which was my PPA.
After the 1 year, life went on. T'was pretty normal, a little bit above death. Once in a while, I heard from my friends.
Tunde got married. Ahmed works at Shell. Steve is facing trial in Malaysia for drug trafficking (I thought he said he was going to study. I guess he was studying Medicine or Pharmacy) and here I am, all soaked up in my sweat in a commercial bus in a heavy traffic jam.
Damn! Surviving comes with crazy choices! The future wasn't as rosy as perceived. I had to put on my headset to listen to the radio to ease me of the honking and jabbering.
On radio the hostess was lovely with her “fake American accent". She probably grew up in Mushin. So where the hell did this accent come from? Now I get! from watching American movies. But Sisi abeg roll the Rrrrrrs small small.
On the show she asked her listeners the challenges they face as grown-ups. A certain caller said "One of the challenges I face is not having a soul mate"
Bobo are you for real??? I wish that was one of the challenges I face. I have a "soul mate" I still wonder how we became one; a glutton who is "fart" and only smells of baby poop in the house. Gross!
Also I have a baby who only remembers to "sing" in the night like a nightingale.
C'mon! Someone should have told me that being grown-up no be beans. The bills I have to pay scares life out of me. I would have gladly remained in my Mama's Uterus.
Anyway, in times like this, Yemi Alade's voice comforts me. Or better still, it turns me on.
P.S Please don't grow up. Na set up!

aLYhusuff writes from an imaginary Island in the middle of nowhere.


  1. Nice piece. Keep it up young man.

  2. AL YHUSUFF, it seems like u wrote ds 4 Hip Hop/Rap artists. Wat advice do u av 4d grown-ups?


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